Max Lundsten

I give up more than I’d like to. I guess though giving up is not the problem, the problem is giving up without giving yourself the permission to give up.

If you give up smoking you’re not beating yourself up about it. However if I stop blogging for a few months without meaning to. Or even worse, I say, I’m going to blog once a week, and go 6 weeks without a post…then I feel bad.

This is not surprising, I set myself an expectation, and then failed to meet it. If you do that in work or school you might lose your job or fail the class, it’s not what you’re supposed to do.

However unless your boss or teacher is a horrible person they won’t give you too many tasks to complete in the time you have. Or you will be given more time due to circumstances.

I and most other people do not do this to ourselves though. We are horrible bosses to ourselves. We constantly pile expectations onto ourselves that are not possible to achieve all at once and when we fail to meet the impossible we punish ourselves. 

So we’ve got to stop that. Be a good boss. Plan to give up on things. It’s the reasonable thing to do. 

I think the single most important thing to remember when giving up is to actually workout why you are quitting. Is it because there is something else you want to do more? Because you have an important responsibility that cannot wait so is taking a lot of your time? Or are you scared and need support or time out to conquer this fear? Or do you just not want to anymore? That is valid but the why is important, is it boring? Too expensive right now?

Whatever the situation work out why and then that will guide you as to when if ever you start playing tennis again, or finish that bloody dungeon in Zelda, or pull up the weeds in the garden.

It’s bloody hard sometimes…or is it?

I have times in my life where I will be very active and productive but all I can think about is having free time and getting to do whatever I want to. I’m feeling something is wrong, and slowly panicking.

Then I have other times where I have all the time in the world and I do anything I like and I just want someone to tell me what to do. I’m feeling something is wrong, and slowly panicking.

I know I am not alone in this, I see it everywhere, although not everyone does match this cycle. Some people can seemingly just get on with things happily no matter what state of responsibility or how much guidance they have.

I want to be these people.

I want to enjoy my holidays and be driven by my work, or at least driven to make my work better for me and those around me.

There is one man recently that has been teaching me a lot about being happy and importantly getting things done. His name is Dan Ryckert, he is a video game journalist and also a fella that thought the egg whites were the shell, and tried to cook them.

This man is not stupid, nor is he particularly small minded (at least not anymore) but he is very focused and therefore misses some things that most would not.

This focus though has another result for Dan. He does not doubt himself very much at all. I would say he seems to have no doubts of any kind but I hold off on that only due to my knowledge of the human mind.

This lack of doubt I feel is linked to an ability to not overthink things. Or more specifically not give meaning to events that do not prove their meaning. Not lingering. He didn’t lose at a game, or get injured, or lose his job because he is a bad person that is destined for pain and suffering. No those things just happened, there are reasons but only some of those were to do with Dan and anyway thinking about that won’t make him happier.

So he doesn’t, and instead follows with great voraciousness the things that do interest him and seemingly has a lot of success, or at least what happens he is happy about, proud about and he has learnt from. So we all see them as successes, even if another person in his situation would have you believe they have no luck and are in a terrible state.

So what am I going on about Dan so much for? I want to be Dan. Well not really, I like being me far too much for that to be true, but I want to act like Dan does. Now I am not thinking what would Jesus do…but much more I wonder, what would Dan do?

The question is can I take on a better mental attitude by rather than working extremely hard to understand everything around me instead just focusing on what I really care about in the moment and then openly dealing with what comes my way as best I can? Embracing my loves (human and not so tangible) and throwing caution to the wind.

Can I keep it simple stupid?

That is my challenge to myself right now.

If I feel myself thinking too hard about something I’m not actively doing or going to do soon I will either start doing it or just abort.

I will focus on what I am doing. What I want to do and forget trying to be perfect. I’ll let things go wrong, but be safe in the knowledge that I am moving closer to the things that are closest to my heart. The things that I care so much about that thinking about them hurts because it goes so deep within me.

Can I stop that feeling being hurt and instead make it warmth? Can I love being myself and share that with the people around me?

I’m going to find out.

Destiny is familiar. This is not an uncommon attribute for big budget video games but one that Destiny is being judged harshly for being. This makes a lot of sense in the context that Destiny is launching. It has been hyped up as the second coming by Activision and is one of the only brand new games that is taking advantage of the new console hardware. Both of these factors have lead Destiny to be held to much higher standards than many games will ever be, and a standard that none could stand up to without fault. 

So is it actually any good though? Well that depends on what you like to do in a game. If you want a first person action game that is built as a hamster wheel of mastering the tactics of battling the same set of enemies over and over again in a small number of large areas.

So your enjoyment of Destiny is dependent on your desire to master the techniques required to effectively demolish large groups of alien scum along with a pile of giant bosses that take 10s of minutes of continuous fire to beat. If you are down to master the mechanics in place in Destiny then you will have a large number of hours of content in which to find this mastery and discover a great satisfaction as you improve. This loop of combat is made even more satisfying when you play Destiny with up to 2 friends where the chance to aucostrate flanking maneuvers and the simple enjoyment of company brings a whole lot to Destiny.

That said this is not the game to bring the first person shooter weary player around to a whole new world of action gaming. Most of the aspects of Destiny will remind you of something you have seen before if you've been playing games for a long time. These well worn aspects have all been executed very well with the possible exception of the overly repetitious mission design taking you to the same location twice in a row multiple times throughout the game. The gun play feels very good and all of the little things that make up the game are lovingly crafted to make the game feel extremely polished.

So don’t expect a revolution but if you want to dedicate some of your time to becoming a great hero once again and mastering a satisfying set of tools against a formidable set of enemies then Destiny is worth a shot for you. Just don’t expect to be surprised by anything in this game. This is stuff that already works in games put together into another new game. You have to want that and not something unknown and what ever ‘next-gen’ means, this is not that game.

So I’m going through the process of combining mine and my girlfriend’s things into one collection which is going to stay in our new flat. We have too many things and yet at the same time too few in a weird paradox…

So I’m trying to imagine a home with all our love, and loves in it, where we can be and feel at home but without stuffing it with everything that has held our attention for a moment, one time, 4 years ago. 

So what do I need:

Clothes to wear: Just enough that I can feel able to dress appropriately wherever I go but not so much that I forget what I own, or that I keep hold of things I no longer wear, for whatever reason.

Technology: Screens to watch, boxes to crunch numbers and connect to networks. Enough that I can consume and create what is most important to me but not so much that I use only a fraction of what I have. Do I need to have that old computer?

Media: Books, Games, DVDs, CDs. These things are nice and often people feel they serve as a shortcut to show who they are to their friends and I cannot fault that this can be pleasant, although I would argue that you show who you want to be more than who you are, but that’s all well and good. What I really wonder is how much is this pleasantry worth, is it worth filling half of your walls with? Is it worth lugging boxes and boxes of paper and plastic around with you?

Am I as much as the next person seduced by a large well displayed collection of fine media? Yes. Am I convinced that that joy justifies the effort required? No. So the answer is to dump all of it? No, that’s too extreme I hear my mind resist. If so what do you save, what is the criteria for importance enough to display with pride while so many others just rot away from eyes in a disc wallet or in some hard drive of some kind.

Oh what to do, what to do? I have no trouble resisting the amassment of more games and movies and music in a physical form but that which is there already? What of it, what of the N64 games I hold such nostalgic love for? How can bits of coloured plastic be cause for such angst? How did I put so much meaning into these items? Am I still me if I let them all go? 

Memories: So the last section of things. These are gifts given to you, items found, pictures of times gone by and other items such that they serve no function but that we hold to feel what we have felt before and to remember. These are so hard to drop yet keeping them all will lead to madness and no time to enjoy them all. Furthermore we sometimes keep memories that are no so good, ones that we fear touching because if this fact. These hold onto us like leeches keeping us from moving on. We must make room for new memories and that means that sometimes letting the old ones go is the right thing to do. 

Here’s to letting some of my old memories go so that I can collect and enjoy many many more.

I got into the Hearthstone beta! 

I’ve wanted to play Hearthstone every single day since it was announced and so this is a pretty awesome turn of events for myself.

I am pretty much the ideal customer for Hearthstone. I love Magic the Gathering and grew up on the Pokemon TCG (not to mention the actual video games) and I was a very long time World of Warcraft player, heck I even player Warcraft III when it come out.

So everything about this game tickles my fancy.So you my dear reader will not be surprised to hear that I bloody love this game!

At first I found the game a little bit intimidating and was overwhelmed by the number of choices in front of me. But after a few practice games against the computer I put together a pretty sweet Shaman deck based around getting card advantage from Mana Tide Totem and using totems to keep the enemy at bay and then dealing the killing blow with Blood Lust and some tasty windfury play.

Oh man and then I made that sick Paladin divine shield deck…

Everything about this game sings with Blizzard’s signature polish and artistry. Oh god I have so much more to write about this game but I’ve got to stop so I can play some more… 

I am a pretty positive guy.

I don’t see the value in focusing on the negative and know the power of believing not only in yourself but also others and the world around you.

This is not in my eyes because a greater power will make it so for me because I deserve it. No but because everything that we perceive is filtered through our own personal sieve of experience. So if that sieve is taking out all of the happy positive parts of the world around us and leaving all the dark and sad parts then that’s the world we will live in.

So with this being my perspective I know that I should not get angry, scared or ashamed if I have a hard time getting to grips with ballroom steps. I should look at the progress I am making, pat myself on the back for continuing to try and keep moving forward.

Sadly life is not so easy and I do feel inadequate sometimes when dancing and the rest of the class seems to be getting it while I feel like a stiff, slow and bumbling fool.

So what do I do? Well I look and go “hey if it’s difficult, it’s difficult, but by jove we’re not giving in, my body feels better than it has for years after 2 weeks!”.

Yes, that’s right I’m not stopping now, or hopefully anytime soon. No I’m not stopping, but I am stopping to think. To think about my realisation that I most need to get over the concept that when I’m not good at something right away I should stop. I know I’m not alone in this thought, it’s why we all quit all sorts of things from diets, to work, to relationships.

I am focusing not just on what is good about my life (so many blooming things by the way) but also on the truth that skill and ability come not from luck or magic. No they come from trying really hard, even when you feel like a fool.

Who’s the fool going to be when I’ve learnt to do sweet ballroom lifts? Not I!

I like getting on stages.

No pop pops quite like k-pop pops!

I don’t always remember this when I’m near one and the nerves are kicking in but on the whole I enjoy filling a stage and look for chances to get up on them if they come to me.

So when a few months ago I was asked by my boss to come with him to his friend’s improvisation (improv) workshop I was more than willing to get involved.

This turned out to be a great way to meet new friends and for the first time in a couple of years get up on to a stage (even if there was only the rest of the class in the audience). This was a great feeling for me, as was getting to grips with the concepts and trails of improv (impro).

You don’t realise how hard it is to let yourself (ego) go and just be silly and in the moment until you really force yourself to try. Impro (imp) I think comes across as easy to a lot of people at first blush. “Oh it’s like acting or stand up but you don’t do any writing or even memorisation? Right” However quite to the contrary it is surprisingly hard to come up with anything to say, or even do when left with a blank slate.

The real value of imp (im) to me is the fact that it forces you to let go of the concept that you have to come across as clever and witty. In fact Ed (my boss) told me fairly early on that the real value of good im (i) is the players letting go of that instinct and letting the needs of the scene fill their heads instead. The inevitable mistake will be made and then everyone else very quickly integrate that mistake into the reality of the scene and use it as the humour crux of the scene. This means that you have to let yourself be open to failure. Not only do you accept it but then your friends come to your assistance and make you funny. It really is a wonderful practice for anyone that’s interested in learning to let go a little bit. I certainly fit right into the centre of the group that needs to let go sometimes and when combined with my penchant for getting in the limelight I’m looking forward to starting a more formal i course early next year.

Watch this space maybe I’ll get on a stage…with an audience!

I bought it because I could not hold out and not (double negative what?) buy at least one of the next generation consoles. It was a combination of the hype train coming into town and my own somewhat odd obligation to be a part of the gaming community zeitgeist even when personally for myself, it might not make the most sense to do so.

Now in all honesty I do not exactly regret my purchase but let’s just say I’ve not played all that much of it. I have funnily enough played more on my Wii U while I’ve owned an Xbox One (XO, how cute) than I did in the previous 8 months or so when I only had the Wii U, but of course they have a bloody good game for me to play now.

That I suppose is the point, it’s about the games, and that’s the thing that makes buying the new consoles right now a little hard to justify.

An easier way to justify getting the XO though is from the technology point of view. My favourite feature of the XO is the Kinect voice commands and that’s the real reason I chose the XO over the PS4. I was attracted by the exciting truly new nature of the interface ideas that Microsoft are investing in with the XO. I am a fan of tech toys enough that I felt the Kinect 2.0 as enough reason to buy in on day one.

In that vain I have enjoyed talking to my Xbox quite a lot, I’ve even gotten a Nexus 5 right around the same time and I’m talking to that often too so I’m in a real computer social place right now.

Oh and hey I got a sweet day one achievement! Totally worth it, right?

This is the only game of this year to warrant me taking a day off work to play it. That is testament to how excited I was to play Heart of the Swarm (HotS) this year.

Best of all though Blizzard not only did not let me down they inspired me with their seemingly effortless quality of art, presentation, design and production value. These are the games that make me happy to have spent so many hours invested in this passion of mine. I am inspired both to play for hours on end and in equal parts spend my time working to create something with the same level of brilliance one day.

Even though the specifics of the gameplay and the general focus of StarCraft are so vastly different to the ones in my other choice so far, Super Mario 3D World, they both share the quality that I value above all in video games and that is the joy of interaction, the joy of play.

The simple act of playing is fun to do. I feel the game in a way that makes getting deep into the mechanics and investing my passion not seem like a far cry but the natural course of action.

Space marines included, I love all that StarCraft II is.

So last week I and my girlfriend went to a ballroom dancing class together.

I’ve wanted to get into ballroom dancing for quite sometime now since watching Strictly Come Dancing. I have made attempts to infiltrate into the world of ballroom prancing before but never have I enjoyed it quite like I did just recently.

I think this was down mostly to two factors that have changed. Firstly we had a good teacher that I felt I could trust and would support me but was not overly kind or in other words soft on the class. We were challenged but not scared away. This I feel is a difficult balance which our teacher seems to have mastered.

Secondly was the advantage of going with my partner. This preprepared dance partner was very helpful I feel for both of us. More than that though I was very happy to enjoy another fun way to feel close to Natalia, a new way to share 

I am writing this the day before I go to the second class and I am very positive abut going. This is not to say I am not still somewhat nervous, but I think that is a sign that I care, which is ultimately a good thing as long as the fear and nerves do not lead to me avoiding going.

So could this be the first chapter in the rest of my life? Only time will tell…